Blank pages...

Because somehow the pages in my notebooks remain blank
I am forced these days to turn to other people for my words.
This you may have noticed.
Whether they be highly respected romantic poets or
just common people like me I discovered on the net...
I am thankful that somehow they have felt the same emotions as I
and have managed to translate them into beautiful sentences.
It is thrilling to read and use those perfect sentences that thrill me to the core,
but at the same time it's a drag as they remind me of my ever fighting inner creative existence that's still having a hard time trying to find a way out...
but it's a struggle I will never be prepared to give up
and well, if it proves to be an uphill struggle
then in the end it will be worth every drop of sweat and blood

The Importance of Friendship...

THE PERFECT FRIEND© S.J. McGrath
I thought I had found the perfect friend,

But it only took about a week for that to end,

I thought there was hope left in my life,

But as it turns out, it was only added strife,

I thought for once I had done something right,

But I quickly corrected that oversight,

I thought I wasn’t useless or a bore,

But I was all that and even more,

I thought there was a purpose to my days,

But that was only a very short phase,

I thought you weren’t like all the rest,

But like those before, you failed the test,

I thought you would stay with me, at least for a bit,

But you decided it was better just to quit,

I thought life was worth living for a moment in time,

But the life I wanted could never be mine,

I thought the hunger inside had been fed,

But now I know, I was just being misled.

And now I think I’ve found another perfect friend,

How long before my heart is broken again

...as yet you've not got your niche in creation...

"You’re neither unnatural, nor abominable, nor mad;you’re as much a part of what people call nature as anyone else; only you’re unexplained as yet you’ve not got your niche in creation."

~Radclyffe Hall (1883–1943), spoken by the tutor character, Puddle, inThe Well of Loneliness (1928)

HELP

Help, I need somebody,

help, not just anybody,

help, you know I need someone, help.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,

I never needed anybody's help in any way.

But now these days are gone,

I'm not so self assured,

now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down,

and I do appreciate you being round.

Help me, get my feet back on the ground,

won't you please, please, help me.

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,

my independence seems to vanish in the haze.

But every now and then I feel so insecure,

I know that I just need you like I've never done before.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down,

and I do appreciate you being round.

Help me, get my feet back on the ground,

won't you please, please, help me.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,

I never needed anybody's help in any way.

But now these daya are gone, I'm not so self assured,

now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down,

and I do appreciate you being round.

Help me, get my feet back on the ground,

won't you please, please, help me, help me, help me, oh.

(The Beatles)

How words can make life beautiful...

He Wishes For The Cloths Of Heaven by William Butler Yeats

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,

Enwrought with golden and silver light,

The blue and the dim and the dark cloths

Of night and light and the half-light,

I would spread the cloths under your feet:

But I, being poor, have only my dreams;

I have spread my dreams under your feet;

Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

Lindsay Kemp - true and utter admiration - me shivering

Radiohead

http://nl.youtube.com/watch?v=yjnGESlRNXk

I don't say it that often but Radiohead do manage to put down a rather good cover of The Headmaster's Ritual - which in essence always was and will be a brilliant song.

We Are The Music Makers

We are the Music-Makers

We are the music-makers,
And we are the dreamers of dreams,
Wandering by lone sea-breakers,
And sitting by desolate streams.
World-losers and world-forsakers,
Upon whom the pale moon gleams;
Yet we are the movers and shakers,
Of the world forever, it seems.

With wonderful deathless ditties
We build up the world's great cities,
And out of a fabulous story
We fashion an empire's glory:
One man with a dream, at pleasure,
Shall go forth and conquer a crown;
And three with a new song's measure
Can trample an empire down.

We, in the ages lying
In the buried past of the earth,
Built Nineveh with our sighing,
And Babel itself with our mirth;
And o'erthrew them with prophesying
To the old of the new world's worth;
For each age is a dream that is dying,
Or one that is coming to birth.--

Arthur O'Shaughnessy

Well Who's a Pretty Boy Then?

Jude Law as Bosie in Wilde....

Would this taste nice?

and even more important: would the kids like it?
I was on the site of the Vegetarian Society uk and wrote down some recipes. This is one of them - which I will try out this weekend.


Carrot, Red Lentil and Sesame Bites
Serves 4 (makes about 24 bites)Preparation time: 35 - 40 minutes + cooling and chilling timeCooking time: 15 minutes
Ingredients
125g red lentils30g onion, very finely chopped250g carrots, peeled and grated100g mature half fat vegetarian cheddar cheese, grated150g white breadcrumbs35g sesame seeds2 free range eggs, beaten½ tsp caster sugarSeason to tasteOil for frying
To serve
Sweet chilli sauce
Method1. Wash the lentils and put in a medium pan with about 500ml water. Bring to the boil, then simmer slowly, stirring quite frequently, until the lentils have become a puree and the mixture is quite dry. Make sure that the lentils are cooked before the mixture dries out. Do not let them burn on the bottom of the pan! Spread out on a plate to cool.
2. Mix the cooled lentils with the onion, grated carrots, grated cheese, and 40g of the white breadcrumbs. Season with the sugar, a pinch of salt and plenty of freshly ground pepper.
3. Mix the remaining breadcrumbs with the sesame seeds. Beat the eggs with 2tbs water. Form the carrot and lentil mixture into balls, about 3 cm across, using about 1 slightly rounded tablespoon of the mixture each. Dip each one in the beaten egg and coat with the breadcrumb and sesame mix then flatten slightly. Put the coated bites on a plate or two in a single layer and chill for 30 minutes in the fridge.
4. Heat some oil in a large non-stick frying pan and gently fry the bites for about 3 minutes on each side, until golden brown. Serve hot or cold with the sweet chilli sauce to dip into.
Serving suggestion: • Serve with broccoli, and potato cooked in coconut milk.

The institution of marriage

I'm sick and tired of feeling this way - like I feel every single day - alone and discarded - I return home from the supermarket - all that awaits me - is all that I am - no longer there is room for me - because all that I am - is mother, cleaning lady and walking diary - is bank - responsible and bob the builder - deep down within myself I see her - her who once was but now remains a blank canvas

Universal in time and place

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way - in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.
Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities English novelist (1812 - 1870)



Words that have haunted my mind since the age of 15...and they seem to be applicable everywhere and always under no matter what circumstances...

Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde

To me a continuing expression of the mask-discussion, albeit in its more extreme and definite form. New years resolution 183: in 2008 I will closely study the novel and discover any philosophical views in it that might be valuable to me personally...

AMP

(Gavin Friday in Breakfast on Pluto)

(below: AMP cover)

Anti Mite Protect cover - that's what I've been in search for this afternoon with my 4 yr old son Enda trailing behind me. He was at home with me today because they went swimming at school and I prefer not to let him join as long as he's in kindergarten. And obviously he loves an afternoon off on his own alone with his mum absorbing the attention while Kieran's in school and secretly I love it too.

Both boys seem to be allergic to dust mite and so we have to find them special covers for their matrasses, which apparantly don't come cheap. But I don't mind - their health is what's most important though I often wonder how poorer families cope...

This morning I was at work and actually very glad I took leave this afternoon - it's not what it used to be. I don't feel appreciated or respected anymore though the workload and responsibilities I have at my job are too much for one person. I'm not going to use this blog as a channel to wine about my frustrations there at the moment, but well - it's off my chest now though I won't go into details. Perhaps the time has come to look for s.th. else, broaden my horizon, look for new challenges, explore me and find a job that reflects my inner self, my true personality...easier said then done though. I work 5 minutes from home and the children's school and that's very easy and comfortable at times, also for the kids and they are still small.

That's what being a mum is all about, isn't it? Making sacrifices and they are worth it. I just wish my husband would back me up sometimes and help me bear that burden of responibilities. It would make me feel more relaxed and give me the opportunity to enjoy life a bit more, instead of just being mum, cleaning lady at home, dinner lady at home, bank at home and collegue at work...Oh dear, I am moaning...

Still there are some things to look forward to...in 2 weeks Moz is playing l'Aéronèf in Lille (France) and we have tickets for Babyshambles in Brussels the day after...and in 4 weeks time we're off the the island Texel in the Netherlands...I'd like to live on an island...

Now I've started about music...we rented a DVD last week, just randomly, called Breakfast on Pluto and it turned out brilliant - feels a bit like Velvet Goldmine and to my surprise had Gavin Friday (an old hero of mine) in the cast...I love boys with mascara and fancy dress...

The Truth about "The Wily Wind Gently Blew"

"The wily wind gently blew. Unknowingly did it caress the foliage with its moderate autumn warmth. All was silent, all was peaceful. The birds sang undisturbed their happy song. Numerous tiny animals with an never ending candour prepared for the cold season. But amidst this scene of natural tranquillity the black swans felt a slight discomfort because of an unidentified object afloat – still, it was inanimate so did not display any potential for danger. Bloated, floating, head down, arms and legs slightly spread – relaxed…Somehow it appeared to be at peace with not existing anymore…"

I have posted this on my other blog. It's the beginning of the last chapter of my novel "George Willoughby" and it is also the opening of another book which is a letter to my deceased mum.
On top of this blog I stated this is all about the undisguised me, without masks. The truth is the masks are still here...some aren't, but more fundamental ones are.
And this is part of me - who my mum was and what she has done is as vital a part of me as are my heart and lungs - it's shaped me as I am now and it continues to dominate my everyday life in a sometimes too intense manner. She had severe psychiatric problems. She became really ill, in the sense that from that moment in time she was prone to psychosis and deep depressions and could no longer function as a mum, a member of society, and sometimes even hardly as a human being, when I was 17 and left me alone and bewildered from that moment on. Not physically she left me, but she ceased being my carer and I had to fend for myself. How I found the courage and strength to make the decision to leave home and live on my own, I don't understand up to this day - though I never felt I had a choice. Life threw it at me and I had to follow the course it had chosen for me...however hard and difficult. How I then managed to graduate at uni I understand even less. But somehow I did, in the meantime always ready to help my mum and daily uplift her spirits, regularly visit her in the instituation or at home during the short periods she felt well enough to leave...
She had tried in the past...she once laid down on the rails waiting for a train to come and it did come, but by some miracle she survived without a scratch. She promised us she'd never attempt such a thing again, but deep in our hearts we knew the risk...and one day, when my eldest son was 1 yr old she did manage to annihilate herself in a most cruel and undeserving manner. First she tried drowning herself into the river, but was intercepted by a passer-by. Later that day, in the institution, she drowned herself in the bath-tub. There are scientists who say that that is physically impossible - it's not deep enough - your body always will come up and try and breathe, even if yr mind does not agree. But somehow her strength of will must have been enormous. I can't see a scene on television where someone is drowning...all goes blury...
The effect it has on me these days is that I can get really annoyed when people don't seem to understand or see the important things in life and secondly, that I feel like a child of my mum everyday...I am scared to death of becoming mentally ill myself - I've seen it so close-by, how devastating and heart-breaking it is for everyone involved - and who knows what I have inherited...and undoubtedly I never learned the basic skills to become a care-free and happy human being...I've never seen it and life can be very harsh...and to me it can be a real struggle on a daily basis...

I am more than this, obviously, but still it is a basic part that I rather hide....

pic